


All I Need In This Life Of Sin

by yjayo



Category: B.A.P, Kpop - Fandom, bap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:19:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4756367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yjayo/pseuds/yjayo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yongguk wants to get married. Now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Need In This Life Of Sin

**Author's Note:**

> Set pre-lawsuit. At a time when they were winding down from Angel/1004 promotions.

somewhere between eighteen and twenty three yongguk realised that finding his missing piece was much harder than he had ever expected. maybe it was the revelations of fairytales or the lies told by modern film makers but all in all, falling in love was fucking hard.

and, it fucking hurt. 

not a bandaid kind of hurt, either. but a hurt that required a thirteen hour surgery and months of physical therapy. (he had somehow learnt, and thus gotten better at, metaphors in that time). a kind of hurt that forced your eyes open and heart to beat to sluggish pace that was uncomfortable yet undeniably comforting in the dead of night. the kind of hurt that made you question whether who was at fault – that perhaps maybe it was your fault that you were alone?

sure he had a plethora of fans, never ending supplies of oppa, i love you but it wasn’t the same as having a face to wake up to in the morning. last nights dinner playing on their lips. someone who chooses you again, and again, and again. he scrolls through the thousands upon thousands of comments he receives on his instagram and wonders if he is missing some big picture.

but then why was it so easy for his members to fall into the routine he so sorely envied. he wanted to look at someone the way daehyun looked at sunhwa, the way jongup seems to gleam whenever he has any sort of free time. hell, even junhong seemed to have found someone that made his cheeks glare a red that was a never ending material for them to tease, and admittedly woo, over.

he wanted that. to love someone; accept someone for their flaws and still think they were god’s gift to earth. that they were everything you never thought you needed. yongguk wanted compromises, he wanted fights and he wanted a battle. he wanted someone, who at the end of everyday can say i am really, really glad that i met you.

-

“i want to get married,” yongguk says one day, legs rested comfortably in himchan’s lap as they gaze over the balcony of their hotel. they had just finished another round of promotions. they hard arrived late, thus started late and ultimately finished late. the drive back up to seoul was eventually denied so management left them to fend for themselves in whatever city they were performing in. (yongguk smells the sea and makes himchan promise that the six of them will come back here in due time). “like, right now" 

himchan doesn’t laugh, doesn’t tease, doesn’t make any motions whatsoever. he was used to this. "right now?”

“right now.” yongguk reaffirms. 

finally himchan reacts. “okay,” he closes his book slowly and discards it to the coffee table beside them – beside the pack of marlboro’s and empty coffee cups that sat in the centre. he had begun smoking again and when pressed he reasoned it was a habit mostly born out of stress. though, yongguk knew well enough that it was a diet fad than anything else. “what are you waiting for?”

yongguk glares. the answer was so painfully obvious that it made him nervous, don’t make me say it out loud. “i don’t have anyone to marry.” i’m lonely. lonely, lonely, lonely.

himchan’s face deflates and his shoulders fall back into his chair. yongguk doesn’t understand the reaction, confusion replaces the sore loneliness as he stares at his friend in the night-morning. 

a silence falls between them and suddenly there is an unfamiliarity that sits heavy in their presence. had yongguk done wrong? had he stepped over a boundary? himchan reaches for his book again, uninterested in the conversation. “i’m sure jieun would obliged if you just asked her”

there’s a sense of poison to his words, an almost unnecessary hatred as he hissed her name into the darkness. jieun, for all that she was worth, was a tired-and-failed experiment. they had liked each other but yongguk would find himself seeing her as a bridesmaid, not a bride. it confused him – they were almost too perfect for each other. beside, it was an unspoken secret (pun intended) that sleepy hyung made her far happier than he could’ve. “you know it’s not jieun”

he rolls his eyes. they had been through this enough times that himchan knew the motions. a girl who looked good in a shirt and jeans, a girl that picked up rubbish, a girl with morals, a girl with heart. “then who, yongguk? because, honestly, i don’t know what else to say to you”

the topic ends there as jongup stumbles drunkenly into the balcony, informing them that youngjae was passed out in the bath tub.

-

for the first time in a while, yongguk was the last one to get up. he stayed curled up into his blanket, making use of the space and emptiness of the room, while the others had gone to get breakfast. he lay in the stillness, eyes lost in the sun shining through the blinds. there’s a knock at the door and himchan’s quiet hums fill their room. 

it took a moment but yongguk recognises the song. it was one that he had composed almost 5 years ago. before bap and before sexy clap. a song that they had done in the underground that had slipped from yongguk’s mind. it surprised him that himchan remembered when he didn’t. 

he continues to listen to himchan, mapping out his movements through the weight of his steps. there is the subtle scent of coffee that follows him and the unmistakable smell of cream cheese and blueberry bagels. yongguk’s favourite. 

fifteen, maybe more, minutes pass and yongguk finally sits up. he sees the coffee and bagels set on his bedside table and a note that says you’ll find them soon enough :). he takes the note tentatively when something occurs to him.

himchan hadn’t tried to coax him up.

youngjae, manager kang and even zelo had tried – ultimately leaving when they failed. it was very rare for the leader to sleep in and they all knew in due time he would get up. but himchan. himchan hadn’t even tried. almost as if he knew yongguk needed that extra time for himself.

-

when they finally all pack into the van for the drive back to seoul, yongguk decides to slide into a seat beside himchan instead of the oh-so-coveted roomy, passenger seat. (daehyun argues with jongup over it, ultimately losing as youngjae climbs over him with a smug smile). himchan quirks an eyebrow, shrugs it off and plugs in his headphones. yongguk merely smiles back.

all the boys have nodded off when yongguk reaches over to pull a headphone from himchan’s ear, “why didn’t you wake me?” he asks.

“you looked like you needed the extra few minutes” himchan’s answer is curt and emotionless, something unfamiliar for him. he always wore his heart on his sleeve, explaining that there was never a good reason to hide your true self. 

“but –” yongguk is almost too scared to ask. he had pulled off too many bandaids in his time that the feeling of rejection had become a numbing pain that he faired, “ – but why?”

himchan’s brow furrow in annoyance, “what do you mean why? because you just did. i know you well enough, yongguk. if you aren’t up at the crack of dawn, you don’t want to be up, at all. thats it. end of story”

“but – but how do you know that?” he knows the answer. he feels like he’s known the answer this entire time. but, still, there’s a yearning that he can’t explain to hear it out loud.

“what?!” himchan laughs sarcastically, “because i know you, yongguk. i have to. i have to know stupid arbitrary things about you because who else is supposed to? your job is to look after them and my job is to look after you. that was the deal.”

“it’s you” yongguk whispers, twice as confused as he thought he would’ve been. really, he always thought he’d be happy when he found his soulmate. the so called missing piece. the person that chooses him again, and again, and again. but all he feels is confusion. utter confusion. “it’s always been you”

himchan’s tilts his head, sharing the confusion written obviously across yongguk’s face. “what’s always been me?”

“you. you’re the reason why – and everything that happened – jieun even said – it’s you” too many things were rushing through his head. they’d have so many things to deal with, so many barriers to overcome, so many bumps along the way. they’d have to explain it to the ceo, to the managers, to the stylists, to the dancers. they’d have to have a lengthy discussion about what this means for the boys, about their futures. they’d have to decide what to tell the fans (if they even tell the fans). “its actually… you" 

four faces turn their way. hell, yongguk even catches manager kang’s eyes in the mirror. the silence that filled their van was deafening. that is until zelo reaches forward to slap daehyun on the back of the neck: "you owe me $20, hyung, i told you yongguk-hyung would be the one to confess" 

there is one more single beat of silence as they all absorb what he had just said, just declared out loud, and then they all burst into a loud laugh. daehyun is slapping jongup on the shoulder as zelo claps the car of the roof. youngjae is wolf whistling from the front seat, scrambling for his phone to take a photo. 

himchan kindly just rolls his eyes, reaching out to place his hand on yongguk’s cheek, "i’m really glad you finally figured it out but i’m too tired to give you hell for it. i love you, too, okay?”

his cheeks blare an almost blinding red as yongguk looks at his hands folded on his lap, “okay” he says simply, his smile betraying him.

“and yes” himchan seems to note, returning to look out the window.

yongguk looks at him, even more confused. “yes… what?”

“yes, i will marry you. or at least i will. eventually.”

-

eventually, it happens. it takes fifteen years but it happens. though it’s nothing that he imagined. there’s no formal announcement, no months upon months of planning, not even a veil. there’s wedding music, lots of alcohol, and daehyun cries on the day (himchan counts this as a success) but after twenty minutes its done. 

and yongguk realises that that was what he wanted all along.

(i am really, really, really –

glad you met me? i know)


End file.
